do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
