i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
