At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
