I wish my penis had an off switch
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
