he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
