Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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