I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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