Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
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In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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