Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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