I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
