im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
