god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
