Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
