Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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