So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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