You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
