I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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