matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
then he tried to convert me to islam
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
