how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
