He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
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Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
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I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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