What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
