In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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