When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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