my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
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