She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
