when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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