I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
