how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
