I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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