I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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