burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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