she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
