How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
