hell yes lets make some ravioli
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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