I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
