I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
