Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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