It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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