i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i think i just lost a toe
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
