my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
