I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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