Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.