I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.