i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN