$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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