Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
