Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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