I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
