I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
