I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
