She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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