life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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