I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
