I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
