I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
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Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
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literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.