Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine