What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on