I saw his package. It spoke to me.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
