Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
