she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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