Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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