New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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