A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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